I have written a few blogs on my learning of man/woman relationships after a divorce and the understanding continues. It is quite a trip being single after 26 years of one partner! It is hard not to act married, or approach a relationship that way has been my experience of dating divorcees. My first few boyfriends that I had known before dating, we both jumped right into chatting all the time and being together as though married. I guess that is par for the course for we all had been in long term relationships so we naturally know that.
The latest boyfriend, the first one I never knew before dating, I believe began the same way. Maybe we were in such lust, that we chatted every night or texted and saw each other most nights. Then life got in the way and as we are both in transition, there seems more tension in trying to get synced up. The intensity, and our life issues, slowed it down on more than one occasion. I think often, having gone through such a rough patch as a divorce which for me, has taken years just to get to the other side, there is a care for another in that process that is natural to want to check in and be supportive.
However, this like the others, has gotten to a point where again we both are thinking it feels like a marriage. I am not sure why that happens or if we only just have reference to that. Or if we all jump in that way and then think, what are we doing? Or maybe it starts out so hot and heavy, that sets the course and then you realize it may be too much time with another as you recreate your new life. Alone time so key in rebuilding a new life. I am not sure and why I call this learning of relationship after a divorce.
I know I am intense in my ways and care. I am very busy with many things and when I do get a moment to connect, I want to. Timing isn't always synced though with any couple. This relationship I feel the desire to care as crisis ensues and then that becomes too involved or overwhelming. I am not sure at all how to do any of this. It is a constant learning of whats the line of connect and it changes. In the beginning I felt he had the intensity to gather and now it seems I am the one. Yet I am not so sure I want to gather all the time for my schedule is filled. Just when I am open, I want to play! Is this the tantra of things?
In tantra, it is actually very important to connect in a delighted way. When both are in their power and feeling the desire for the other is when it is best to build relationship. We know so little of this as our relationships are usually very consuming. However, in a true harmonious relationship, both have very individual lives and should connect only when both feel powerful and wanting too. If one feels weak and the other strong, it is not usually a good time to try to gather for you will not build. The one feeling low will get overpowered by the one feeling strong and often an argument ensures, feelings are hurt and all that.
Now applying that to the relationship scene we are used too is a bit more challenging. I remember learning this and how it made such sense but how marriage is set up these days, true tantra is not easy to practice. It came forward today as I write this blog and maybe that is the answer that I need to try in this new learning of relationships! Realize that getting together with a partner as you date is best when your both on. Not one tired and the other wanting to connect. Pushing another to do something never seems to work yet we all do it. However, I find these solid men that I truly can't push into anything. So maybe taking this rule of tantra forward into my relationships would be a smart choice.
Dating is all different after divorce as I sense it. Actually, I don't even remember the old dating scene for it has been so long. I do know that I need to truly pay attention better to my patterns of relationship and observe how things are going in a new way. I don't want to act married or relive my married story. I left for a different way of coupling that inspires me to thrive forward and I want the same for my new partner. I don't want to live the old patterns although men and woman are such different creatures there is bound to always be a bit of the same with any man/woman connect.
I will try to really only connect when I feel we both are in good spirits too. I believe there is great validity to meet up when both are fully into it. Whether it is fun or crisis, both need to be on desiring connect in tantra. Maybe this will give me a greater understanding and miss many misunderstandings that occur when one would rather be alone and the other talks them into something and we all know, that whole challenge that can occur there. There is just more opportunity for disconnect, we've all experienced that in any relationship and it is clearly stated in the old tantric laws!
I will keep you posted as the learning continues!! Playing with relationship!
Inspiring ways to love your life! Simple writings on how to see life in ways that bring joy, relaxation, oxytocin, health and vitality giggling through life!
|Lyn Ann Hicks
Growing Your Beauty!