I am really engaging in quietness at this time. I normally am one of fire, of action, of interaction and activity. At first, I felt my mind and emotions wanting to move, to do something. As I watched and let that energy go, the beliefs and accomplishment mentality of not being anything if we are not doing, move on for we can't do, I find a quiet. A stillness. At moments I can feel bored but underneath that is a peaceful still that I am embracing.
It is like being in a cocoon of sorts. Like the butterfly that actually shifts magically while in that cocoon. I am sure they know not what is occurring or what to make of it when in it. I too, kind of wondering what will be after this time of rest. I feel my feelings, many of which are sadness and tears but I am not connected to them. I have no reason to feel sad yet tears pour forth in moments. At other times, giggling and magic is about with the sweet garden where I am awaiting my home to be ready. I often wonder what to be doing in a new town, new state. The answer always......nothing but be still. I am learning to honor this still place that we don't meet often. It is rich with emptiness that feels restorative. It is nothing I have been through before.
I sit outside and absorb the bird sounds, see the tulips bloom and the wind wisp things around. I am almost catatonic watching in awe and grace. I have no inspiration to move anywhere or do much of anything. I wonder what this is? Should I be doing something or is the rest the doing? It is a curious space. I am with no farm to tend, no place to be, no projects to do, only writing and being. Just being. How weird it is to sit and sit. When thoughts come in that want to chastise me for this, I let them go. I feel an alchemy is occurring inside. Not sure what it is but I am being present with what my being wants to do. Which is not much of anything.
So odd this place we are in. I know not Lyn as inactive. I know her as adventure, chatter, writing, playing and doing. I find a piece of myself that enjoys the still, quiet, nothing place. I watch the urges to be active calling me forward. I just watch. I don't move. It is a different experience. I even wonder if I am being lazy but then I know I am not. I am just awaiting the inspired action that urges me that I must move or I will burst. I am watching the patterns of action that we all do just because we have been taught. I am wanting that deep action, that inspiration. Awaiting Brigid the Celtic Goddess of spring that lights us up truly to show up. She is deep passion that must be expressed. I am not finding her as yet.
So I sit and explore this empty space. I felt this at Thanksgiving during my illness. That I would not move until I was so drawn toward something. The thing that inspired me was to be in a greenhouse with new growing plants. Then the desire to move out west drew me. Now I am here in a quietness again. Very fascinating to allow my inwardness to lead me. Not my thoughts or emotions but my inward spirit. It is a new way for me. I am finding peace with it. I am slowing down my rhythm to a halt like the world. It seems to be even slower than that at this moment! Then I giggle at that. I am not inspired to do anything but be.
If you too feel this quiet, this empty space that holds "nothing", I inspire you to wait it out. I believe there is an inward moving that we can not yet make sense of or notice. I think it is a powerful shift occurring within. I don't know of what or how it will show up in the outer world. I do know that it is restorative, peaceful and still. I am finding my way with it although it is not so familiar to me. I find it good practice to just watch and be with it. It is like a pause or a story line that is playing out. We don't see what it's significance is until later. I settle into that 20/20 hindsight knowing, allowing this quiet to be.
I send blessings to you all as we surf this most unusual place. As odd as it is, it also offers a richness of rest, relax and breath that I have not felt since I was on my farm with my flowers. As an explorer of things, I am open to this as I would any outside thing. It is good for me. I have been wound so tight for years in panic, anxiety and confusion underneath me. I am watching them unwind to a nice stillness and love underneath that fills. Very different space. I hope you are finding it too. For the rest here is good as I feel once this is over, fast going will be the energy.
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|Lyn Ann Hicks
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