It seems to be an emotional spring for me. Not all happy ones either. I am experiencing some very negative or low based feelings and thoughts this season which is not normal for me. These are what create our numbing, our addictions, our desire to move away from feeling crappy. Usually we have a mix, a bit of all. We ride this wave of ups and downs, letting them pass through onto the next. When they seem to be in the lower realms, the sadder, more depressed feelings, it is more challenging to ride.
I am a strong proponent of feeling all our feelings. In fact, as we let them pass through us, they stay as feelings, indicators of our environment. If we stuff them down, don't allow the energy to be felt and move, they become emotions, energy moving with greater force. Emotions are more powerful than feelings, and create many more issues than just noticing a feeling. In the darker feelings this spring, I have at times wanted to stuff them, not experience them and then the emotional wave builds up and comes forward uncontrollably. Creating crying in power, anger in power, annoyance and frustration. It has been quite a drama to watch, notice and find a way through..
Observation is key to all awareness and self development. Neutral observation without judgement, criticsm and labeling bad or wrong. They are not right or wrong, they are the way we feel in the moment. Often just noticing , sharing how we feel, it switches as soon as we say it. It is really that quick and like water. The emotions are like water. Murky sometimes, forceful like a wave or a trickle of tears or rain and the downpour of wrathful anger. Remembering the flowing nature of water, it rolls by, it doesn't damn up or stop unless constrained. We keep it moving so it washes our body being and we learn and release.
Easier said then done with all the training we have about our emotions. We have beliefs of good girls don't get angry or nice girls are sweet. All these beliefs of woman being unstable or emotional messes keep us from really understanding the power of this gift of our feeling nature. Yet ride them we will so to flow past the judgments, get the essence of them and move to the higher ones is truly the way to learn from these rolling waves. Woman so centered in this nature of emotions and gifts of empathy and compassion to nourish others comes from this nature.
I have had to really test my beliefs this season with many low emotions surfacing. Tantrum girl has been very present, unhappy with things and quite expressive. I allow her a moment. I do not let her run the show but give her the chance to voice herself. I often am shocked at her words and find myself explaining and apologizing for her outburst. Yet she has important messages for me in boundary and not allowing others to be so mean either. It is a true journey to find the balance of surfacing and allowing and controlling or digesting these energies.
I remain true that to express, feel and be with her and all the lower emotions as part of being myself, being a woman and understanding my nature. We don't allow this expression, this shadow of ourselves as it is called. We pretend it is not there or try to bury this meaner side within. That only allows this energy to hide and build. Grow stronger and out of control only to explode in a situation that may not warrant it. I am embracing this meaner, lower, sadder, more depressed part of me. Being a mother to her, letting her exist rather than banish her to the dungeon. I don't revel too long but I give this voice its due and allow it to release. So many times I stuffed down through my life coming forward all in one season!
I forgive myself many times a day lately and do find a giggle at this part of me. Yes unruly, maybe not so kind like I want the world to think I am. Truly a part of me and us all, in place for protection, to remind us where not to go, to allow ourselves to not like it when things don't go our way. These are normal feelings and when felt they pass through and we work with conditions. In stuffing them for years, I am in a bit of a clear out. I am gentle with myself. I let her rage her way to clean her closet so to speak. I honor this magic nature of mine and know only through listening, expressing and allowing can I understand why I have these feelings and use them for my benefit.
I don't really mind being an unruly, unpredictable woman, mysterious at times even to myself. For this is the magic and gift of this great feeling nature, this intuition so tied to it. It lacks power when not felt and discipline when not heard. I ride this lower energy as a clearing of spring. Knowing it must end soon as all cleaning jobs do. As the tide rolls, the wind blows, the emotional, feeling nature too will shift and turn to the brighter side soon enough. It is it's nature to change, so I ride the wave open to the lighter feelings of summer.
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