Riding the Quagmire

As I sit here in the hospital, for the first time inspired to write in a while, I find I am in a stirred up place with confusion. It is as though I am not who I was and not who I am moving towards but somewhere in the middle. I have done none of the normal things I do. I haven't walked in the woods, posted my pics or wisdom on social media, written which I do often, or anything of a normal routine. I am out of sorts with my mom in health challenge so life is topsy turvy in this moment. 

In the fog of  a quagmire for almost two months now, I am flowing from one thing to the next, not sure of a direction or plan. In between shall we say, in a haze  before the breakthrough!? Much like the seed or a tiny plant pushing forth through the darkness of the soil to reach the warmth of the light. It is quite an interesting space and yet I can't say I feel really bad about it.

At other points in life,  I did not allowed myself the freedom to be lost for a moment.  I would of beat myself up, gotten on myself to get my scene together and determine a plan. Never just hanging with the conditions sketchy and feeling ok about it. Real self growth I would say. To just be with the uncertainty. Not upset, not feeling too lost, not angry, not pressuring myself, just being in what is.

We are in confusion as to what is wrong with my mom, conflicting diagnosises from doctors. I am confused with what to be moving on in life as all is slow as molasses at this moment.  I have not been inspired to write, post or be involved in life. I usually have such passion and participation in things. The most powerful emotion I have lately is annoyed with things. I am in an inward way. Not really caring much or enthused. There is lots of things good going on yet I am in a place of hang man. I am  stirring deep inside with something and don't know what it is.  So I allow the confusion, the nothingness and let it be alright.

So I ride the quagmire of this confusion. It feels like floating, involved yet above, participating but not attached, an odd place to be. I give it up. I let myself be annoyed, detached from most things, not certain about much of anything. It is certainly mysterious. I will just ride it out. What else is there to do but find joy in the confusion itself!