As I pack for yet another retreat in two weeks, I am tired and overwhelmed. When I considered last weeks retreat on Kali and this week on Flow, I had an open life happening as usual. In February, my mom got ill and then it became rushing about through life with hospitals, weekends, running to care and little air. It continued onward until Aug. 9 when she passed. As it was happening, my sister and I tried to share the time in an effort to remain unexhausted. Although it helped to be mindful, it did not stop the over extension. Crisis is that. Your self care is any way to get through. That is why it is crisis. We can't expect to be balanced through it.
Now a month into her passing, we cleared the house of all her belongings and it is on the market this week. That, while still digesting the feeling of "poof" she is gone, was another rush of things. A few weeks ago, I wrote how I dropped and fell apart. I took a day/ weekend to just be in the tiredness. It was a support. Then I had a week long trip to Colorado to see a woman share her way of the feminine health while supporting my daughter to create an art space. Sounds lovely but was taxing as well. We keep going and seeking the joy which is good. Maybe listening inwardly, I would of rested. At the time, run away to the mountains seemed perfect to heal my soul.
Returning on Tuesday eve and heading to work Wednesday, I realized I had another adventure to the beach in only days. Unpacking was a joke for I am repacking just as quickly. I had to maneuver my work schedule, meet obligations for a festival I am hosting in 2 weeks and create order of things quickly. This is the work of woman. We go onward no matter what. We consider we are okay, keep going and when we get a moment we will catch our breath. I, as a woman and teacher of them, know that this is just how our world is. There are times when we just go on no matter what. It is the role we are made for and the universe does support us even if it feels like it doesn't.
In a good way, I am going to this retreat. Although this seems exhausting right now, it is just for me. I am needing that right now. No more care of others for the moment. Just me, being who I am and finding a new flow. We magically set things up for ourselves often unconsciously. Gathering with other woman is fueling, healing and there is no other elixir more powerful. We are the nourishers. With no effort, we just fuel each other in a give and take that is no work. I need to be held in a space that I can do nothing if I chose and with other woman, that is the case. They will tend what is necessary. There are those that will be in a powerful place and it will be their gift to manage. Those that are in a less giving space as I, will be the receiver of the goodness and it will not drain anyone. It is the magic of woman community. Priestesses in their birthright. They know when and how to tend and the field is filled with love.
I am the receiver and that is my self care in this moment. I am not beating myself up that I should be stronger, manage the world and still look good and be happy. I am in a crumble, exhausted and need care. I am gracefully going to where I can get it with no words or explanation. It is the magic of being able to receive and knowing it doesn't make me less but just human. I have supported many woman as they were in challenge and I will gracefully take my turn. We need to remember there is no shame or harm in this. It is the power of community and why woman have been the tenders of each other and family for thousands of years. For some reason in this phase, we forget this given so written in our bones. Our competition and must be do gooders always gets us in a lurch of dis-ease.
To know receiving has been a lesson of the last 6 years. I am becoming a greater master at it. We are taught that it is weak when we need help or that we should power up, go it alone and that is strength. That may be the way of men but it is not the way of woman truly. For generations we had mothers, aunts, grandmothers and children all tending each other. Now we are off alone thinking we are strong alone. It is not our natural way of give and take or nourishment. We over give and then forget to fully receive. It is a most magic power to know when enough is enough. I am done. I can give no more for a minute so I will allow the power of giving as I receive.
This is my self care. To know I have no more for this moment. To find where I can be cared for. To know the world will spin without me and I will not be less or leaving things behind. It is the nature of the cycle and I take my turn to stop and rest. We all need this like the cycle of night and day. To rest is as valuable as to do. I will care for me in the rest. I will accept the support of others so naturally my birhtright. We are not alone on this planet. If we were to do it alone, we would be on a planet without others. It doesn't make me strong to be a lone wolf. It makes me strong to know when to give and when to receive of the blessing of giving. Gracefully, fully and in gratitude, I will partake of care from others, with not a hint of shame or guilt! I will fully recieve in this gift of woman nourishment so deeply part of me!
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