It is quite a journey being in relationship. In fact, it is probably the most adapting thing we must do. It is so valuable to observe and learn from your ways you interact. They say others are our mirrors of ourselves. It is not always easy to see it that way. It is also not so easy to be mature and do things the way you know work versus your reactive level. Relationship is the quickest way to refine your consciousness so I see it all as upliftment and learning of me.
Relationships bring up our wounds, our triggers, our unhealed parts of ourselves. When we get hurt, by nature we get angry and want to protect. It is a good tool anger, to let us know where we feel scared, hurt, vulnerable. Our quick heat reaction not always so effective to communicate with others our truth, our feelings yet it has it's place. We do react. We create issue, we play small, we have tantrums, all of this is just part of learning how to be in harmony with another while learning of ourselves. Sometimes we just won't find harmony. We can love others deeply and have moments of disagreement, even battle. It is normal and part of learning the tantra of two. I learned much about anger with my wild boy. In my school they call it sandpapering, Refining the diamond.
The wild boy I was dating has ended our relationship. The passion and tension between such opposites was delicious in so many ways. We just couldn't connect in communication in a way that I could manage. I am a woman so of course, I wanted more connection, communication and attention than I received. Woman seem to chat how men don't give them enough and men chat how their woman wants far too much attention. Part of the opposing poles of things, us learning that a balance will always need to be addressed. Some times it will work and other times it will not. Part of the man/woman learning.
I learned good things about anger and passion. Woman generally don't show anger for then we are "bitches". Men are allowed to be angry and it is just men. So for me to go head to head with this anger was freeing. I said and acted in ways I would of judged as not nice girl. It was quite freeing. I appreciated that tap into my anger I don't show. At first, I beat myself up for going to that reactive space but then realized how anger transmutes energy and clears it when you speak it. I am not saying it is ok to manage that way but it was important to see the protection and force anger offers. Men get to do that. Woman not really. I saw the wild cat in me and it was freeing to express it rather than hold it in. I embraced being a bitch and seeing the power in voicing what I didn't like.
We all learn milder ways to express anger. When ever we learn anything we often go to extreme. I think my anger expression ended it. He responded back that I was immature and I haven't heard back since. I think it is why woman don't express anger. They don't want to get dumped or scolded. Well, I felt what I felt and need to share and be honest if I want a good relationship. So I did. I got dumped. It is better to be truthful and get left in the dust than hold in anger, create resentment and then have a slow burn. .
I did like this guy for the experience of difference and fun he gave me. I was giggling when we were together and found our twisted connection quite adventurous. He was as shocked to be with me as well, so maybe it was just one of those flings that rolls through craziness. Opposites attract. In tantra, it is the most delicious connection but managing it properly is the whole art. I obviously am a novice.
I did appreciate the feistiness!. Maybe we couldn't manage it to a reasonable level but it is powerful energy. I think many of woman hide this wild, crazy part of themselves or stuff it down and it becomes destructive to them and their relationships. Maybe that's what happened here. I liked getting tapped into my fiery nature. I am thankful to wild boy for bringing out wild girl! I hold tantrum girl in a dungeon mostly and mildly speak my discontent. That doesn't serve me either. Not sure what the full lesson of this balance will be but I liked having her unleashed. She has great power, protection and energy that I am not using. I don't think I used her rightly here either, but she got to be a present, that is learning. I will find when and how she is appropriate and it won't be by the rules of womanhood I was taught.
Our rules put this presence of life force, protection, honest feelings in the dungeon for woman. She is not effective there and leashed up. Her message muted to me and the world. I appreciated her having a space. I think she has often created havoc and destruction by keeping her quiet. Then she emerges in reaction. I do know there is a better way to use her energy. If it wasn't for Italian wild boy and his fiery way, I wouldn't of tapped into mine. This is a great awakening to a part of me that I like. Society has told me to be proper and quaint but I like this wild child girl inside! She is allowed to express and I will find more positive ways to share what she is.
Passion protection, anger, wild fun, adventure are all on the same vibe of energy. We are always having to learn how to ride that edge of playful excitement and destruction in many ways. I am grateful for this awakening to this energy in me and this expansion of a part of myself that only a relationship would of shown me, even if I was dumped. It didn't make me feel unlikable, it made me like myself richer for the parts of me he supported to be.
Maybe I learned that our ways weren't rightfully blended? Our timing wasn't good? I am just a bitch and want more adoration than I may receive? We weren't meant to play long???? Don't know those answers yet but do know that this wild girl he reflected is out to play now and I like it! That is the delicious tantra of relationship!
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