As I am in respite with illness and the most ugly rash, I can only consider to count my blessings. I have been in great overwhelm that resulted in this great clearing of illness. It started to come out on Thanksgiving as I was at my best friends to spend time for the holiday. It was delightful to rest, be around a family I love and participate in the New England snow. 2 Feet of it! We got snowed in as my illness and shingles really flaired. I was scared that I was not ok. Blessed I was with my dear friend of level head and came home safely afterward and got the meds I needed.
As I chill, care for myself with soup, do the things that we don't ever get to in our busy lives, I realize how grateful I am. Even with this mess, pain and fear that comes with illness, I feel ok. I know people want you to be down and believe me I have cried and been sad with this illness. It is not so much the illness as the death of those around me and the strife that preceds and comes after. Yet there is always a blessing. I have another friend visiting for work and enjoying that company, My house if full of holiday color and lights, cozy and calm. I needed to just do nothing but relax, healing treatments, reading and I am even inspired to write today. I have healing megahertz sound on, candles lit, I am free form writing clearing my being of all levels. Taking this time to tune into me.
As woman, we often are called to so much caring. It is our nature. We feel good to care and help others for we are created in the divine feminine, the nourishing nature. We just haven't learned the full rule of nourishing ourselves before we serve. We serve, we feel good, we do the tasks of care as it is our nature. Often life calls us to do things and be in situations that we really don't want but our nature calls us there for we are born to serve and support all life. However, we need to do this in overflow. Not by using our energy alone. We miss this and when we find ourselves depleting ourselves, putting the needs of others over ourselves to the point of illness, we have lost the great way of the divine mother.
We all try to stay filled as we support. I did not quite get it. I knew I was going down, tired and overwhelmed but it seemed It was necessary to keep going. I do not get upset with myself for this is our nature. I do realize now for the going through it, that greater measures are necessary for myself to be whole and healed. I am grateful that I am learning, understanding my own limits and listening inward deeper. These messes, failures to know the nourishing law correctly are part of the process. The feminine wisdom has been lost and our generation seeking to find it. So I too learn, even though I know the laws, how to live them in greater ways with each attempt.
The divine feminine is the Mothering Principle of nourishment. We must mother ourselves. Not waiting for our mothers or thinking another will do this. We draw on the mothering of ourselves, from nature, from the divine ones, from the Blessed Mary, from where ever you find it. It is in us. We are it. We must cultivate and use this for ourselves, not just others. We all need support, rest, renewal and love. We can only do this for ourselves and know our limits and our beness that works to keep us healthy and participating.
I certainly participated beyond what I am able. This illness a clear sign for myself. I willingly accept it as my bodies way to say, Stop! Back up! Lay down! Be chill and peaceful. Fill your well. So I do. I learn yet again and grow and expand into this understanding of myself. It is our process here and so we learn and embody the health and beauty that we are. We must watch and listen as we do to others. We need to hear our needs and release any thoughts or beliefs that say it is wrong to say no and take care of ourselves first. This is part of our path of our generation and for all woman before. There is no super woman who can do it all. it just doesn't exist. We must know how to care for ourselves as we do for others. It is new and different for us all.
I sit in gratitude for this reflection and learning of myself. I became a minister to understand self ministry which I believe many woman need to learn. I step deeper into my learning of me. Of my own unique things I need to stay healthy and feel beautiful and stay connected. And if I can't, then I step away and go inside to learn how to feed and nourish myself on whatever level there is. It is the magnum opus of life. How do I mother me to be my best expression in a world of so many ideas and information? I learn by trial and error and I use the error to preserve the wisdom.
I am thankful. I am learning. I am finding greater ways to care for me and thus others. I look back on the year and wonder could I have done something better or been more clued in. My answer is it went as it went. Now I have time to see what I could of done to support myself. I am not sure there is an answer or this was just one of those times where it was important to get illness and clear my being. All is in divine order so I take what I can learn and use it forward. Illness is not bad or wrong, it is just a message from our body. If we don't listen, the body does what is necessary to support itself. Illness, healing crisis a way to talk to us.
It is nice to not participate in the stress of the holiday and experience the soothing of it. The beauty of it. The magic healing that is there if we notice. I am blessed to see it for the love that it is. Not caught up in keeping up with anyone but myself. Feeling good at whatever I do slowly, gracefully and in nourishing of myself. I will slowly gather my gifts, attend events, marry a set of friends and engage in the holiday on a level that serves me perfectly.
The Blessings Already Are!
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