Talking things through with others is so important. We must present in honesty what we are feeling and thinking so we can continue to be connected well with others. In our techno world and with such speed of things, we often put out all kinds of words without the immediate interaction with others. It has it's place but a good relationship needs true discussion or things can be interpreted wrong and havoc ensues.
We often don't speak up when we are uncomfortable, afraid to say what we are thinking and how another will react. This is a terrible practice that causes conflict where there could be none. It is hard as well to honestly share our feelings sometimes. Vulnerability or what others will think comes into play. Yet if we don't share it when a discomfort occurs, how can we learn the nuisances of another? When you bring it up later, the person may not remember or be able to support in an honest answer. We call it clearing in spiritual circles. If something comes up, we are advised right then and there to deal with it. Then there is no opportunity to fester it within, overthink it, create more of it and eventually build resentment fromr not speaking up. When we do speak after we have over thought about it, we come with a form of attack and how is another to support you with your understanding if you come at them. They can only defend themselves.
We all have done this overthinking and the way society teaches us, doesn't support thriving relationships. Marriage seems the easiest example to see this. Many times we look the other way, don't say what we really feel and then resentment builds between two people. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just occur and often we get triggered by situations and our feelings may not even have to do with the one we are with. If we don't bring forward that we feel off then and there, it is much harder to clear and get good communication by holding things in.
My last blog was on wild boy and how I felt he was maybe desiring one different than I. In putting forth what he desired or liked, I took insult to who I was. Not knowing him well and my own experiences with others created this disconnect. I told him boldly after I felt things and let them stew inside me and created a disconnect in our relationship. Yes it felt honoring of myself to say what I felt. That was good and I got learning there. However, the way I approached it was anything but a way to thrive in connecting with him. I should of done things differently if I wanted to continue forward.
When we feel uncomfortable and don't share it right away, we can make more of things in our minds. It is not easy but the study of tantra is about reaching past this to find higher connection. Old situations come into play, triggers of other relationships and we are not dealing directly with that person live and present. Relationships get ruined from this. I may have done the same with this guy by not really being clear and open so we could discuss it properly. I told him, he was angry, we stopped chatter and it dropped out. At one point we did have a discussion on things and greater understanding was reached. I could of prevented this by being forth right in a chat rather than a message. We all know this and don't heed it. It creates havoc in our connections.
When we do discuss things in a live manner, tones of voice, ideas, ways of seeing things, interpretations, feelings, moods, all can be walked through to create understanding. After we spoke, there was questioning of what was going on and how it would work. The way I handled honoring myself created more disruption than harmony. I am not sure if we worked through this, but I realize again what we all know that chatting is the way to connect with others. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are energy and can come out of no where. The best way to work with them is notice, share and let go. Often we don't do this and cause ourselves and others disharmony.
We all have different ways of doing things. It supports to have opposites blend and expand into a greater whole when two are not alike. Communication is key in this tantric process of harmonious relationships. Since I had no reference for this new man, it is even more important for me to share what is going on. Men and woman are very different and if we are to create harmony, we must be open with what is occurring so we can support each other. We know that we are very different and the only way understanding can occur is if we communicate clearly for our way of processing is different.
I claim no full understanding of men or dating or relationships. I do know the ways that will create greater connection yet I like every one do not always follow the ways that will best support that. Life is live and we make errors in how we do things. This creates growth. I can't waste time feeling bad for doing it the way I did. I can only look at what could of better supported the connection and do better next time. It is the way of life to miss take on things and then hopefully do differently next time. I do give myself freedom to be wrong, to make error and know it is just how it is here. I also allow others that freedom and have to remind myself that communication is truly the connect of energy that creates harmony.
After discussion which was pretty uncomfortable, we came to a greater understanding of each other. We found common ground again to atleast not walk away with anger or misunderstanding. We had a better take on each other. That is what communication brings, understanding. It is such a simple thing that we often don't use it to support us rightly. He gave me adoration and did many wonderful things for me when we were together. I said how much fun it was. I just got stuck in hearing other things that he didn't mean the way I took them. We were enjoying ourselves most of the time and I went off on something that probably had nothing to do with him.
We don't know the inside of others. We all have past ways in relationship and communication. It comes in as baggage whenever you step into something new. In essence we often have many more things going on than meets the eye. How we grew up, how we were taught to manage things, how our other relationships went is all present. Being live and communicating clearly is our best hope to surf through truly connecting. He reminded me of others and when I claimed my position boldly, it reminded him of his ex. We both got hurt and annoyed which naturally creates a desire to run. Yet we can't clear or learn of each other when we do that. I am not sure how it will play out but I see how valuable in dating this honoring of self could be done to my better advantage.
Communication is not easy always. That doesn't mean we avoid it or think our way is right and shut the door. Tantra is a whole study and science of harmonious relationships and it is something we must continue to learn. Each of us is different so honoring that, being open to share yourself truly and seeking connection through understanding is the only way for good relationships to thrive. This wild boy whom I don't really know has already taught me so much of myself. If we want to blend a mix of opposites as in man and woman and thrive, we must be very willing to communicate and allow for that process to unfold.
I inspire you to stretch in your relationships to allow others to be who they are and give the space necessary for them to be open. Allow yourself openness to share as well. Truly share, even if it is uncomfortable. That is the only way to reach a soul connection with anyone. Knowing you both will interpret things differently can be expanding if you discuss things through. We are taught to run and cut cords and there is definitely a moment to do that. Yet the highest tantra, union is only reached when you expand in understanding and love with another. It is the highest form of connection and creates fabulous sex. Worth reaching for even if you fall short!
The journey continues.......
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Lyn Hicks’ passion is to awaken others to their true joy through play and relaxation! Mentor, Teacher and Writer on The Feminine Way of living!
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