As a recent divorcee and a woman, I often find I am very communal in nature. I consider the group first and often forget to include my desires in that group. I seek peace, negotiation and collaboration which is just part of motherhood and running a family. Since my divorce, I"m on the path of me, myself and I. It has been a great learning for me. I have had to continually untangle myself from getting involved in supporting others in hardship. Not that I don't want to be a help, but this is now a time for me to take care of myself first and know myself as an individual and blend differently with groups and partners.
I am so familiar with working in a group dynamic that I forget that I get what I want now. I blend well with most others and have the great feminine qualities of flexibility and adaptability. I often work with others that are OCD or detail oriented. So I can manage others that have a strong controlling instinct. I am learning further not to get caught in that web of control. Being a wife, you are used to partnering and making things work no matter what. So I am having to learn this is not the case now. I can work with others I chose and of course, still blend but it is not the same as when you are married most of your life.
I am very new to the dating scene and all of those I had dated have been friends I already knew. For the first time, I dated one I never met. It was a friend connection and I went for trying the unknown. I am not absolutely sure I am ready for this dating yet but you have to expand to learn so I went for it. I met a fun guy that was way out of the box for me and I for him. We had great fun for most of 28 days and it was certainly learning of others ways. I don't think I really achieved the goal of one not in the throws of hardship but I didn't know him or the story at first. As a minister, I find myself constantly in contact with others that need support. That is fine, for as I said I am used to it, yet I am to be thinking of myself. It is a new practice.
So it went fast and furious, lustful and wild by his direction, Yet he is in quite a challenge still going through divorce. It brings in turmoil and old emotion as you walk through such a severing. Maybe not so wise to be in a relationship like that at such a time? I had previously been with a friend whom lost his wife and he is still finding his way. I finding my way too and certainly not so good at this. Dating men that are not really ready for me and my whims? My minister, feminine, nourishing gift runs deep.
As I enjoyed playing with this out of my comfort zone wild boy, I started to notice that he wasn't really as attentive as I was used too in dating when we were out. Maybe he was into me, and we were just very different. He was street smart, I like the innocent, naive girl. He had very particular tastes and made me aware of them. He wanted someone with this and that and I was my own way. It is good to share these things I think. I tried many new ways and even created some of my own wild so it was all good. We had fun and enjoyed the wacky differences most times and I giggled and adventured with him.
After a weekend away, I really noticed all the things he requested, I should do this, why do you do that, and why this, etc. I am a confident woman and this threw me off. I didn't like second guessing my wonder. I told him to be more adored would suit my tastes better. I know he liked me but in the throws of divorce you are watching your old world shatter. He certainly couldn't be as focused on me for much was going on. It was a high request for me and maybe I should of thought what am I doing in this situation? And bold enough to be making impossible requests? I am new to this! I took it all too personally perhaps? He also liked to tease me and it often went over my head. I chose to be hurt when it could of been his way of flirting or just part of our differences. We were just getting to know each other and it was lightening speed.
Well, I told him of my dismay, of course it ended whatever was occurring there. I was saddened as we had fun but timing certainly wasn't good for such a relationship or request. At the same time my desire to be truly adored by whatever man I choose next is important to me. I want to be the apple of another's eye atleast in the beginning. Don't we all? Not that all this could occur in 28 days under such stressful conditions really. Yet I don't need to settle for medium and decided to speak up. This is a great "yipee" for me, I normally would allow such by feeling for him. Saying to myself "oh he's in a hard place" or " its his humor", anything but "hey I want to be adored". But I did. I said it, and that ended it.
Inside though, I was so proud of myself for standing up for the true romance I desire. Maybe the request was ludicrous and the fulfillment impossible but I went for asking for what I wanted. It may sound really trite to another who is used to dating or has a stronger way of me, myself and I. For me this was important growing for I often get intuitions to run but stay in situations worrying about another over myself. I think many woman do this and why I am writing a blog of this personal stuff.
I will miss in the fun of this wild situation that had some great kudos in it. Yet I am settled that I stood up for the honor I want. Bad timing, ridiculous request or too soon to say, I don't know but I take all as learning. Maybe I will never find another that does adore me but I certainly need to try. "Why go for the loaf of bread when you can have the whole grocery store? " So I did. I am proud of it. This is not usually my way. Soooo Yipee again!!
It is a learning of many woman to put their desires into the equation when making choices with relationships of all kinds. Whether family, friends, groups or men, we just naturally move into supporting group peace yet forget that our desires matter too in that loop. It is can be a challenge but we must honor ourselves! I got divorced to live differently and expanding from my way of 23 years is a process. I chose for me this time and I am glad. Neither of us were probably ready for this.
In the end, I may have totally read the whole thing wrong but learning came from it. We all have our own perspective and he could have a whole different story about dating a mystical, priestess girl. It was fun though and I did enjoy the great diversity and he stretched me way out. For some reason I couldn't feel the full sweetness I wanted. Not the right timing or mix, I guess. I am very grateful to him though. I played, I learned, I expanded and I honored my own crazy desire. For that I am very thankful for my 28 day fling!
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